Self Love.

Self love is probably one of the hardest things we go through, especially women. Society teaches us that it is a must to be skinny and having a thigh gap is supposed to be great. We as women have to be around the weight of one twenty and have hardcore abs. We are supposed eat less and exercise more. Now society is telling us that it is okay to be plus size. Ashley Graham is considered a plus size model, but most of the women have bodies like Ashley Graham. If society was okay with women who are not skinny and weigh one twenty, then why do none of the runway shows show diversity. No haute couture fashion show has ever had models with different types of bodies or different shades of skin. This is why we are mentally brain washed and then choose to harm ourselves, by not eating.

My best friend is such an amazing person and sometimes I feel that she does not know how great of a person she is. She likes to complain about how she is flat chested and has no butt. I know that every time she posts a picture on Instagram she feels a little bit better about her physical appearance, as if she was satisfied with herself by the number of likes on a picture. I try to always be the inspirational person I want everyone to see me as, but I can not help her if she does not help herself. She is the type of person that never wants to be alone and always has to talk to a boy.  Right now she is learning how to be independent and teaching herself how to be in love with no one else, but herself.I want her to know that every boy is the same. They all look for these physical qualities that we are unable to give. She has to learn to dress up and wear make up, because she wants to look pretty for herself, not for anyone else. I hope that she will soon start to love her flat chest and her tiny butt, because the only thing I see is a beautiful soul that deserves the world.

I have always had this lack of self confidence. It is sad to say that when I was eight years old I felt so ugly inside and out. I did not care how I looked because I knew that no boy would have a crush on me regardless. This went on for about three years. I soon had to transfer to another school. I was interested in no body in my class and I was fine with that, but one day I made a big mistake that until this day my heart hurts about. I was introduced to one of my best friend’s cousin, who will remain nameless. We became friends over social media and we spoke everyday. There was a point where he had asked me to be his girlfriend and of course I was so in love with the thought of being in love, I said yes. We dated for a year and a month, but this year and a month was no fun. In the beginning of our relationship every thing was sunshine and unicorns, but as our relationship went on, his whole love was different. While I was a seventh grader, he was a sophomore in high school. He started to want more intimate things from me and I always refused. If I did not do as he said, he would get mad and not talk to me until I gave him what he wanted. This relationship had made me so emotionally distraught that I had to break it up. I deleted every thing that had to do with him. I was more upset with myself than I was with him, because I should have realized he was no good for me the moment he told me to stop eating chips or else I would get fat, or he would hint to me that I should get braces because I had a gap, or even the moment when he said that I had huge thighs. His words hurt me. It was like stepping on a shattered mirror. The next year I started talking to a guy, who I never imagine I would actually end up dating. This relationship was bumpy and messy. While he was a freshman in high school I was an eighth grader. At first every thing was dandy, but then he just simply stopped caring. I cared about him, a lot, but he simply just left. He absolutely wanted nothing to do with me. He dropped me in a snap. I was hurt but I just did my own thing. When I was starting my freshman year, I felt that I had to wear make-up everyday, so that I could be just as pretty as the other girls were. I always had trouble trying to maintain my hair, because it was super long. After a few months in school, I felt so ashamed of my physical appearance. No guy was interested in me and no guy even talked to me. I became depressed because while I was feeling ugly I had personal problems that I was going through as well. As soon as I got home, I would go to sleep because I wanted to avoid my feelings and thoughts. There was a point where I had developed a minor crush on this boy. He had no clue who I was or that I even existed. If I said that I would not get excited when he finally noticed me then I would be lying. He texted me and of course I texted back. I am not going to lie, he was pretty awkward to text. I then started to lose myself in him. I was so infatuated with him that I did his homework one time. It was like having a brick wall in my mind that did not allow my conscience through. I soon started to realize that he would never talk to me in school, but he texted me after school everyday. I was upset, but at the time I thought that I was over thinking. It came to a point where he completely shut me out of his life. No talk, no text, nothing. After months of mixed emotions, my best friend told me that this boy confessed to her that he liked her. I do not think I cared about the fact that he liked her, I cared more about how he led this situation, because I am pretty sure he knew I had a thing for him. I felt so disgusted with myself that I hated myself. It is truly insane what a boy can make you feel. For the rest of the year, I did not acknowledge his presence. I did not want to look at him, see him or even breathe the same air as him. This went on for a very long time. Sophomore year came and I do not know what it was but I went to school everyday without make-up. I did not worry about what anyone had to say about my appearance. As the first day of school went by, I was somehow stuck with the boy for two periods for the entire year. As each day went by the boy would try to start small talk, but i would shut him dowm right away and mind my own business. There came a point where he sent me a message on Twitter saying that he was sorry about how things went down. I gladly appreciated his apology, but like any other person I would have liked him to tell me in person because he hurt me real bad. Now we are great friends, even the best of friends, but my point was that instead of being upset with the boy and myself, I should have learned how to love myself before trying to meet new people, especially when I was trying to love someone else other than myself.

I will always have lack of self confidence, because this is the way I have been my entire life, but I know one I will love myself more than I will love anyone else. I will be the first person to host a run way show with many women of all different shapes and sizes. I will make a difference in the world.

Xoxo,

wvnderlusst

 

 

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